Today was one of the most wonderful days of my life. Your birth brought back the flood of memories and tears of when I gave birth to your own father. Such emotion is difficult to explain but rest assured that you've changed many lives forever. And you're just so stinking adorable I can't wait until your Mom and Dad get you home from the hospital and I can properly squeeze the living daylights out of you. I'll stop shy of hurting you of course, but you can expect to be kissed from head to toe on Saturday.
Right now however, I feel it is my duty to warn you about what's ahead of you so you're able to deal with it when it happens. You're not even a day old yet, but I'm a planner and you might as well learn that asap.
You will ultimately fall in love with one of your stuffed animals. You will most likely choose the one your parents wouldn't have thought you'd choose, but you'll know it's the one when you're only able to fall asleep while rubbing the silky little tag underneath its tail. And here's a heads-up for you. When you become attached at the hip with this beloved stuffed animal, please remember that it is your responsibility to remember to bring it back home with you when you visit my house so that I don't have to meet your daddy two hours away at 10:00 at night because you absolutely cannot fall asleep without stroking that little silky tag.
Perhaps whilst suffering through the angst awaiting the return of your beloved stuffed animal, you'll be tempted to use the "F" word. When Mom asks you where you heard THAT WORD, you will not say "Grandma."
Somewhere around the age of four, you're going to have an accident regarding going poo. Please remember that in trying to clean it up yourself, it is not appropriate to wipe your hands up and down the wallpaper in your attempt to get them clean. Just call out for help. Trust me, Mom or Dad will come running.
When you start kindergarten, please keep in mind that just because you missed your bus, you're not allowed to walk three miles home and then not answer the phone when the babysitter,your parents, the neighbors and/or the police are trying to find out where the heck you are. You'll save years of your parents lives just by not making them suffer through this one incident.
When you enter 6th grade, call me. I think it might be best if you just come and live with me for that year. I won't be nearly as hard on you when you accumulate 1800 demerits as your parents will.
You'll most likely have allergies. I'm sorry, but it's a family thing. You'll get used to the allergy shots and you'll end up all the better for it, but just because you don't like your current bicycle, you're not allowed to leave it behind the allergy doctor's office and tell your Mom and Dad that someone stole it.
And when you're all grown up and a Senior in high school, please remember to toss the Jack Daniels bottle and condom wrapper into the neighbor's trash instead of leaving it under your bed for your mother to find. Become a planner like me and you'll be able to get away with almost anything.
That's about it except that you need to always remember that no matter what you do or don't do, your parents will love you forever and unconditionally. It's one of the perks of being someone's child. Enjoy it sweetheart.
This is my documentation of my life after turning 50. Lots of recipes, some healthy, some not so much... tossed up with a hefty dose of sarcasm and motherly love.
My email address: maggielauerrdh(at)yahoo.com